nothing to see here please move on!

Lost

2011-12-24T14:50:00.003Z

This years Christmas... whatever you want to call it... i have a huge gap in my life ...

My dad Died one day after his 56th birthday in October.. I didnt really know him aswell as i should have because he had spent his whole life in prison.

He had a trouble childhood and with me being brought up with my Gran i know what he went through.. she was a twisted nasty woman that did her best to try run you into the ground... I told my dad if it wasnt for the fact im a stronger person then he was i to would have ended up in prison like him.

The day he past it went into the news... and i know what he did was wrong but the hurtful words that they wrote about him cut deep..... they never focused about all the good that he had done in prison or all the learning and helping he had done... it was all about that one night.

They couldnt even get a decent picture of him... it was from 30 years ago... he wasnt that man anymore... but they didnt see that and there was nothing i could do about it.. if i had opened my mouth they would have hounded me ...

Needless to say dads death was a shock as he was so young ... 56 aint old ya know .. they say it was a heart attack.. and after the stress that had been under the past year of so... mibbee i should have expected it .. Every time my dad went two steps forward the social workers and prison board made dam sure he went two steps back... he was being prepared for release... but everything he did was questioned as if he had another motive... I know this got him down and it frustrated him .. but he tried to keep a smile on his face... even when they questioned him about his motives to know about the shit that went on in my past he wouldnt let their sick twisted minds win... with every thing that he did .. he got thought the worst of... so much for rehabilitation ... i think its all crap... anyway Dad wont be here :(

Also this year i dont have either of my boys with me ... i moved to a place that is like hell on earth to be with someone ...

I hate it here and have given this place all the time i can but in Jan i move back to Fife.... it may not be the best ... but at least it aint here

Iv seen my kids twice in one year ... it hurts... i miss them badly... i know they are grown up and have their own lives now.. but back in Fife i was only 2 hours away .... not 8 ... so no boys this year ...

My dad and my kids will be in my thoughts and and heart ... but lets face it ... its not the same

Stressed out

2011-09-30T11:50:00.002+01:00

So as you may have guessed i dont like this area where i stay at all... but that puts me at odds with Bob ( me other half) .. he loves it here... but these past few month have took its toll on me ... im really not happy... so i have a way out ...

My past boss has his house to let and he has offered it to me ... yay .. at last a way out of this gawd forsaken place .... one problem ... yup you guessed it ... Bob ...

He dont want to move but dont want to loose me ... so he says he will move .. but made me feel guilty at the same tim... I'm the only one he would move for ... bla bla ... and he wont like it as its a new town ... well he should try being me... no friends past the computers screen ... no job .. thats a major issue for me as i love working .. and these walls that contain the house are driving me mad... the only time i get out is to take the dogs out or go to shops... im not doing Zumba no more so all my weight has piled back on... so that has also been and issue.. maybe he is happy with a hermit like but i sure as hell aint.. i like having people around me.. love making new friends and in this area that a challenge for most..

So i have to save like hell to afford to move ... i think it will cost alot more than what it did to get here... So another stress was i didnt know if i had to fund the move on my own or not ....

When i moved here i gave up my house and sold mostly everything out the house ... so i only have a few things ... so i asked if he was gona chip in for the move... his reaction said it all... yes he will chip in but he aint happy about it.. so ok i can deal with that... but he could have made obvious that he wasnt happy about it

To top things off there is the car that just had a MOT... well that failed and will cost £220 to fix... so iv had to find the money for that.... oh and its tax is due aswell... so in all i needs to find £1200 in the space of 2 months... dont know how im gona manage it ... i dont have that sort of funds... so it seems like i will be forever stuck in this shit hole... inside i just feel like i dying ... i want to cry most of the time.. i feel my depression showing its head again ... iv already ripped the skin of my arm once with stress this week and i feel it will only get worse the longer i stay here...

Dont know what the hell im ment to do about anything either

just give up and face i will never leave... i cant ... i just cant stay here....

2011-08-25T14:12:00.003+01:00

Been a while but there has been really nothing to report .. life is soo dull its scary. i have no friends here an no social life out side my computer... i truly belived i was doing a good thing moving here but seems i haven't.

On the job front there is nothing... there has been the same 3 job one the job centres website for the past month ... and i cant do them... the local collage is a joke too... Its ok if you want to child-mind or hair and beauty other than that there is nothing ...

I truly am starting to massively hate it here

ooops

2011-04-22T17:47:00.002+01:00

Well my diet was going great gun but iv kinda let it slip.. I'm still doing Zumba but i have not been to the gym in about 3 week.... baaad me

I really need to get back ontop of it if i want to loose the weight before crimbo... I'm not silly i know it will take a while.. but i have been doing alot of walking as i have 2 dogs now to take out... and the new pooch Sosa is more of a handfull but as soft as a ball of fluff

So next week its back to the gym in the day and Zumba at nights... oh and its on an extra night so that will help...Oh and back to healthy eating no more ruddy easter eggs!

OK

2011-03-28T16:46:00.004+01:00

Its time i started using this thing...

hmm...

I've moved from fife to Campbeltown where the tumbleweed grows and I'm sure it was invented, and since coming here iv started a new funky diet... calorie counting and exercise routine... And bugger me both seem to be working ... I moved here in the end of January and its been great... I've lost a whole stone so far...

And no I've not totally stopped myself from all the good stuff... I still have a munch every now and again... But now i know when to stop...And i have someone that supports me in what I'm doing.

In the past I've been a member of a few gyms but this time there is Zumba! Twice a week i go and strut my funky stuff and burn off the pounds at the same time. We have such a laugh at class and the instructor... well she is a bloody good laugh and keeps you going... kinda like a Duracell bunny... and yes if she had a drum she would bang it! And there is the gym .. I have a worked out plan of different pieces of equipment that i use to help with losing the lump - mound of fat that sits on my lower half.... to you and me.... it's my butt.

Anyhoo...

I started this health kick at 18st 8lbs now fellow campers im down to 17st 7lbs and I'm so so so happy. I've been a big buddy for to long and as long as i dont loose my boobage I will keep happy. I even managed it without feeling hungry and wanting to eat someones leg off! So score on both counts.

So campers i will leave you there and keep you informed as i go....

Oh Hell

2009-11-08T15:53:00.001Z

Its been far to ling....

lingh what the fuck is ling ...i ment to say long..

Anyhoo I'm back and better than ever ...i have gotten over my past and has a new man type in my life...

O.K he dont stay near me but its good ina way.... if it falls apart (Dam i hope it dont) but ifs it does well we dont need to be in each other paths...

Anyway i really like him and for some reason he has fallen for me .. Me well i will take my time with that... im not rushing in and making a cunt of it like i did the last time...

But all looks good

I Feel

2008-11-25T12:00:00.000Z

FUCKED

thank you for reading

sniffles

2008-08-13T11:02:00.001+01:00

Dont ya just hate em...

only thing is its got worse than sniffles and i'm meant o be going to see my bf in a few weeks for my birthday... please please be gone!!

me me me me me

2008-08-02T16:49:00.001+01:00

Well this would be my first ever blog here, NOT... I'v got private blogs already done! in the past i have use another site but for the purposes of theses blogs i need another place. I'm going to be using this more like a diary of daily things and some personal thoughts and feelings and just daily junk (the personal ones you lot may or may not see).

This will give me the chance to look back and see how my life has progressed be it good or bad, hopefully good.

So lets see abit about me...

Umm I'm a 32year old coach driver ... I have 2 teenage kids that don't stay with me tho i do see them... I love the darker side of like.... Bit of a goth... Have a boyfriend from down south, who i love to bits... and a collie called Sam and an spider called Shakey

My life with my kids can be hard sometimes. Iv not stayed with them for over 5 years now. Was better for them to stay where they was settled than me to move them, after all it was me that wanted out and not their dad, so it only seemed fair that they stayed. Their dad can sometimes be something else and just of late things have been really tense. With one thing and another their dad and i have fallen out again but that didn't come without help of his side kick sticking her break into things i dare say, ho hum life goes on and i dare say he will get over it.

Please stay tuned as there is more to come soon!

the joys of life

2008-08-02T11:11:00.001+01:00

Welcome to my really crap world as it is just now!

Well work wise anyway

I will do an into later but just now i need to let some steam off!

Ok so "whats getting to me??" i hear you say ... well... it my boss.. when i first started everything was peachy and rosy. My shifts was good and he wasn't such a buthole!

It's been 6 months since i started there and everything has slowly gotten worse, my shifts are now mainly illegal, he constantly calls me for no really good reason and he is really an arrogant shit! Oh and he expects me to buy a broken car off him and fix it!! Or fix it then buy it!! Please tell me why i would do that??!!

Due to the nature of my job i need a minimum amount of hours off between shifts and for the past while we have been dead busy at work and that hasn't happened and I'v been letting him get away with it.

This past few weeks have really got to me, to the point that i ended up in tears the other night (i do mean sobbing) , and i was so so close to just telling him to take his job and place it somewhere
that the sun would never shine! But i never did it ... i calmed my self by txting my b/f and seeking calm world from him. But all this came about as i was told that i would have a 10pm finish and it turned out that i didn't get finished till 12.30 am, not only that but i had to get up the next day to drive to Blackpool (with work) at 5 am and not get finished till 9pm that night!

"what does he think i run on Duracell batteries!"

Anyway... i gota do something as this cant go on... how id love to leave but i aint really in a position to do so..* insert sight here*..

Anyhoo gripe over till he gets to me again... on the up side iv switched my phone off... bugger him I'm having this day to myself!!