Story of my life

Falling apart inside, feeling like I want to rip my arms open.

It's how I feel ... I've fucked up again ... But that's nothing new ... Anything and everything to do with loving someone I always fuck up with

I can't just keep my mouth shut, can't just kill the hurt I feel ..

Why couldn't I just let him do his thing ... Because I love him .. and now he hates me ..

The collar given was wrong .. I could never be a slave .. I asked one thing of him ... Slaves don't have choices ..

I'm useless .. be aswell dead .. it's how I feel inside ..

Talking of work

Well since I kinda spoke about my job I'll go into more detail

I'm a coach driver and I do just about everything from tours to taking kids to school.

I love what I do even tho it does really get in the way of my life at home. I get to meet new people most day and get to go on free holidays, granted I'm normally working when away I still get to go out and about.

Master is the same and we both work at the same company, he does have far less experience than me but he is getting the hang of it.

I'm normally away on tour about 2 - 3 times a month just now but since it's coming to the end of the tourist season, well it's ment to be !!?, Things should be slowing down and I in theory should get more time at home.. I'm so looking forward to that. Problem is our shift patterns don't always meet up and days off together rarely happens. It can be quite stressful and hard emotionally but we get through it and make the most of the time we do get.

This week I'm still in Scotland but I have a nice enough group to look after at that really makes the difference.

Having a cheerful group can really make a difference, even just one with a bad attitude can bugger things right up. They have a way of spreading the hate and it makes life for me hellish, but so far the last few have been spot on and really good.

Anyway ...

When tours aren't on the days can be really long ... My normal is...

Get up at 04.30 ... Leave to get to work by 05.15 and in the yard by 6 then I'm normally out and about till 17.45 ... And it can be really hard work up to 6 possibly 7 different jobs to get worked in ..

But...

When tours are on it more than makes up for it .. a nice long lay in bed till 6 or possibly 7 and finished by 5 at the latest .. almost feels like pt work lol

I'd not swap it for the world 😊

Missing Him

It's odd ... The shift patterns we have worked this past couple of weeks have ment I've only seen Him for about 6 hours..

And I've missed him terribly, we are so close yet all we have had is basically txts and calls ... Oh and a couple of hugs ...

It's the downside to our jobs... We work long hours and we work away from home. There are times I do wonder if it is all worth it but it normally is.

It makes our time together far more precious and we normally do try to make the most of being in the same postal code area.

Hugs and kisses .. holding hand when out walking .. small things that we do when we get the chance, well they all add up ...

We haven't really been married that long but something in me told me that asking him to marry me was the right thing to do... And it so was. He is my world .. my rock .. and my go to person (ok he has fucked that bit up once or twice) and without him my life just would feel incomplete.

He moved in with me within a couple of months and I have had the best time every since ... He wipes my tears on bad days and always brings a smile to my face when I hear Him or see His name pop up on my phone. And he lights up my world

Yes I'm a soppy twat 😂.. but if you had the feeling like I did ... Your be glowing inside too ...

Finally on Monday once my work is done I'll actually get to spend some time with him ... Happy hugs time ... Him, me and our happy furry hounds

First play

So after a couple of failed attempts Master, me and the lass met up.

We had talked before hand about roles and I was just topping her to assist Master as he needs some lessons in swinging a flogger and landing a cane ... Don't get me wrong he isn't bad at it but could be better.

So in the morning we got stuff ready in the spare room and I gave him some pointers on using a cane. Mainly using his finger to guide for a good landing, grabbing with a fist is just asking for trouble.

So anyway she arrives and we all goes upstairs, now annoyingly I was out of bounds regarding sexual play as the red blood monster visited!!.

I was feeling nervous as I didn't know how I was going to react today, this was the first time seeing Master and the lass together and let's face it anything could have happened.

I followed instructions and we began. I watch him interact with her and I didn't react ... It was all good .. I was completely part of the whole experience and I loved it. Only thing that got me was how much I missed some of what we did with her, we don't do stuff like that anymore, but I kinda got slightly jealous of what was happening but then I also got a huge buzz from what I was doing to ...

Now the lass was brought in to be Mistress to me but over the past few weeks it's become evident that she is completely submissive, personally I can't see any Domme in her at all. Another thing is I've never been submissive to a female, I've always been in control of females. So having her with her arse in the air gave me a happy feeling I hadn't had in ages...

I'd always thought my Domme side had died to a degree, my sadistic thoughts had always been there but with concentrating on my slave side id just pushed away any Domme thoughts especially as we hadn't been to any clubs in years and that was normally where I got to play with others.  But something has stirred in me.

Now the other day Master had said " that's the last time you'll be Domme" this actually got to me in more ways than one as I do have a very dominant personality so I got slightly confused and thought Master was going to totally try to kill who I was ... Err no ya nugget ... It's the last time you will top anyone... Hmm 🤔

So anyway yesterday I was a big ball of emotions and I thought rather than let it get to me actually think about it and thing what's getting to you. Now this is the bit the Master will hate. I don't think I can or Ever will be able to be submissive to a female, especially one that doesn't have a Domme bone in her body. I loved having some form of control over her, no I know Master was fully in charge of what was happening but I still felt it.

So it seems my Domme side hadn't died it just took the right situation to bring it out, I can hear Master from here going off on one as he reads this but I've already told him how I felt and he flat out told me I can't play with her again, it wasn't why she was added to our relationship, she was to be submissive to him and Domme to me. So what do I do with what I feel. I don't want to play with ransoms, there is no real satisfaction from it.

I'm guessing he may think I'll loose concentration on my slave side but infact it wouldn't never happen... He is My Master and I'm completely devoted to him and his needs, I've just realised what I've missed.

Yes I understand that I hadn't done anything like that in ages but what he forgets if I didn't take the bull by the horns we would still fairly much be vanilla and we wouldn't have met the lass in the first place ... I push for alot of things between us and they normally work out for the good ... Since being back in a M/s relationship we have found our closeness again... We are mostly intune with each other and the bond we have is something that no-one could describe.

I just fear with this issue we may loose playing with the lass, all because I just can't submit ... I just can't see it ... She is loads fun and I can actually see me/us nurturing her, but this is something Master just will never allow and I'm not sure what I'm ment to do. I suppose I could just bottom to her but there will always be something inside me wanting more from it ...

Fuck it I've thought about nothing else all day, I was sure Master may actually go with it but he closed the door .. no infact slammed the door on it and now I have another ball of emotions stuck in my ribs ...

Maybe an early night will help but I can't see it ... Tomorrow will be the first time in over a week I'll actually have time with him .. the joy of work ... Hopefully we can talk about it ... I like the lass .. we could have so much fun but I fear my feelings towards this may fuck it up.

Up and downs of my mental head

So since starting down the Polly route it's took alot of things to the surface, things mainly from my past but a few other things too.

A couple of weeks ago I went to diet club followed by physio and at both appointments I was told I need to see someone from psychology to help with my low mood. I had noticed that myself that I hadn't been feeling as upbeat as normal, something had been snagging me. But it was like they had seen what I'm about to describe..

I'd been feeling it  and had to get my head around things. I was always seeing the negative, especially with a new person coming into the relationship. I kept seeing history repeating itself and me loosing my best friend and husband. I couldn't see the positive it could bring to us.

A day a few weeks ago things got far too much and I went into total melt down. I'd been trying to keep positive about everything and had been doing well but it got to much.

I was on my last run at work and Master had called and I told him I was doing so well but I couldn't go into it as there was kids on the coach waiting to go home. Things spiraled and got completely away from me. I was in crisis. I couldn't talk and I could barely breath. I put my sunglasses over my eyes to hide the tears then I got the coach back and just parked up and rushed home. My coping mechanisms was completely out the window.

Now normally Master is my rock but not this time. I got home ran a bath and went straight upstairs, I even tried to lock the door. I just wanted to lock the world away except Master followed. He spoke and I tried to listen but it just made things far worse. After my bath I tried to sit beside him but I felt so closed off from everything. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and be left.

Master mentioned about going to bed and I just took it wrong. I left so so low and it felt like he didn't want me about, who could blame him I was a complete mess.

I went upto our room in tears, my world felt like it was falling apart and it was my fault. I never felt good enough for him and this to me proved it. What I was actually doing was pushing him away, in my head if I did that when he left me for the other lass it wouldn't hurt so much. All I could see was my past relationships repeating over and over. I had it in my head that this was the way it was going to be from now on, I was going to be left for the other lass after all it's what's happened before. I tried to send him messages but I seemed to make things go from bad to worse. I eventually asked for him to remove my collar as I wasn't worth wearing it, I even tried to cut again but it was far to blunt to do anything. The pain inside was getting far to much and I wanted it to stop... Fuck sake please let it stop... Nothing Master said helped, just made me worse but eventually the other lass sent me a message.

As I txts back and forth with her I calmed down. I didn't see things straight but I just calmed. Master came to bed and just went to sleep and didn't touch me. I felt so so alone. I just couldn't handle things anymore. I stopped texting and switched the light off. Master reached out and I quickly clambered into his arms and we talked.

So a few days later when I get told by two different sets of people that I need to see psychology, you can guarantee I didn't have a great day.

It started well but rapidly went downhill, but the thing is it's been happening far to often and as Master pointed out ... It's been happening far to often.

Anyway my physio told me that I had to deal with issues from my past. There is loads of stuff that happened when I was a kid, some good but some that is well ... It would make most people's skin crawl. Apparently alot of people that have Fibromyalgia have issues regarding the past and basically your body is stuck in fight or flight mode, continually switched on. My muscles never get a chance to rest and this is one of the reasons I'm in so much pain. She asked if I'd ever been to see someone and spoke about it, but each time I went I closed up and just couldn't talk about it.

I made a decision to do a short version or some parts of my life, I decided to let Master know some of my demons that I fight daily.

I wrote it and sent it... In my head that was a huge huge step .. I'd manage to let him read some of my past. But... He did say it explains a few things about the way I behave .. but he also said it will help him in helping me when I need the extra support..

Fuck knows this last few weeks I've needed it

More about life

So here I am again telling all and anyone about me ..

Well medically if I was a horse I'd be shot ... I'm 43 and from the neck down I'm in shit loads of pain almost constantly!!

Ya see I have Fibromyalgia it's a wonderful condition that affects all of me, even my hair sometimes!! Something a simple as a hug can cause massive pain and yet other times I'm ok. I can go from walking no problem one minute to needing my stick in the space of a blink ... I can be happy and bubbly and then in agony and withdrawn the next. I sometimes feel like a have barbed wire in my veins and I I swear there is someone with a voodoo doll or me jumping up and down on me my muscles ache that much... And all this leads to my fatigue, walking about like I've not slept for well over a month.

So how do I deal with this .... Well I had been on painkillers .. ya know tramadol and celebrex but that was causing issues with work as I was even more tired with using them ... So I ditched the pharmacy meds for CBD .. it's took a while but what a difference .. my bad days are far less and stiffness in my body is an all time low... I would never go back to those pills now ... It also helps with the added pain of hypermobility, arthritis and crepatis ...

Crap I'm falling apart lol

My conditions used to run my life ... Even my Master said I actually have two Masters ... Him and my Fibro ... Don't get me wrong my CBD isn't a cure but it does far more for me than anything else out there ... My Fibro doesn't run my life as much now ... Even after sex I'd be in agony for at least three days ... Now I can handle it ... Now I want more all the time ... Oh yeah baby ... bring on the loving and let the sexual healing being 😂

Down the rabbit hole ... About me

Well I've cleaned out all my old blogs, this is a new space for me to empty my mind of what's going on ...

So anyway what is going on??

Who am I???

Im Angel I'm married to the most wonderful person. He is my rock and go to guy when my head plays games on me and most of all he is my best friend in the world. His name is Master ... You see I live in a Master / slave relationship .. he says jump and I say " your fucking joking my back is killing me" and then jump as it's what he wants. This is something I have pushed for and I'm so very happy with that, and so is he. We live this way 24/7, it's not just a weekend thing!! I'm by no means a walk over to him or anyone else, I'll stand my ground when needed, but I'm there to care for him and look after his needs whatever they may be.

I've got two grown up kids that kinda know about my life, they are amazing and I love the bones of them. I also have a grandchild, my wee bubs ... Cherub of my life, who I sadly don't get to see enough of.

And then I'm also mum to three awesome dogs...

I work constantly and wouldn't wish for another job, my workplace if fairly cool too.

So more about my life. I've been in the scene for about 20 on and off ... Tho sometimes I still don't feel like I fit in with most that are in it. To be honest I rarely feel like I fit in anyplace but bugger it I still try.

I met Master via working or more to the point helping at one of the fetish clubs many years ago but we lost touch but reconnected on a fet site a few years back. Something just clicked and felt right with him, now don't get me wrong we have had a few bad days but our good days far outweigh them ... Everyday we have a bloody good laugh ... And that's the way life should be. We got engaged and moved in together really fast and a couple of years later we was married... And everyday my love for him grows deeply.

Now a few weeks back I had a brain wave or brain fart, jury is still out on this, that it would be a great idea to add another into our relationship. To start with it was well not quite as simple as add just one more person in but with a few tweaks of the idea we have decided to go Polly.

The Polly idea...

We didn't expect to find anyone for a good few months but a joint profile was made and the search started. As we thought slow to start but Master got a pm from a lass and we'll after many PM's and txts ... Oh and a meet up we have decided to make her one of the clan. Yes she is also kinky dinky ... That was the whole reason for it ... In my head my Master is my King and a king cannot have a slave for a queen, Im not good enough for that, so there was a hunt for a queen that would be submissive to him but Dom to me ... And we think we may have found her. It didn't even take that long.

How do I feel...

Although this was my idea, I'm scared, I'm really scared I've started something that may end us, don't get me wrong the lass is lovely and pretty but what if this backfires and I loose the one person that means the earth to me. He has assured me this won't be the case but I can't help but think the worst.  Sometimes I think I could cry and other times I'm very excited about it all, but the fear factor is really high just now. Oh Christ what have I started ... Well who knows, I may be worried about nothing and everything will be absolutely amazing. Only time will tell. But this will be my safe space to write everything down, the good along with the bad.

So our first actual time will be Sunday, nervous doesn't begin to cover it.

I'll update later .. toodles