So since starting down the Polly route it's took alot of things to the surface, things mainly from my past but a few other things too.
A couple of weeks ago I went to diet club followed by physio and at both appointments I was told I need to see someone from psychology to help with my low mood. I had noticed that myself that I hadn't been feeling as upbeat as normal, something had been snagging me. But it was like they had seen what I'm about to describe..
I'd been feeling it and had to get my head around things. I was always seeing the negative, especially with a new person coming into the relationship. I kept seeing history repeating itself and me loosing my best friend and husband. I couldn't see the positive it could bring to us.
A day a few weeks ago things got far too much and I went into total melt down. I'd been trying to keep positive about everything and had been doing well but it got to much.
I was on my last run at work and Master had called and I told him I was doing so well but I couldn't go into it as there was kids on the coach waiting to go home. Things spiraled and got completely away from me. I was in crisis. I couldn't talk and I could barely breath. I put my sunglasses over my eyes to hide the tears then I got the coach back and just parked up and rushed home. My coping mechanisms was completely out the window.
Now normally Master is my rock but not this time. I got home ran a bath and went straight upstairs, I even tried to lock the door. I just wanted to lock the world away except Master followed. He spoke and I tried to listen but it just made things far worse. After my bath I tried to sit beside him but I felt so closed off from everything. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and be left.
Master mentioned about going to bed and I just took it wrong. I left so so low and it felt like he didn't want me about, who could blame him I was a complete mess.
I went upto our room in tears, my world felt like it was falling apart and it was my fault. I never felt good enough for him and this to me proved it. What I was actually doing was pushing him away, in my head if I did that when he left me for the other lass it wouldn't hurt so much. All I could see was my past relationships repeating over and over. I had it in my head that this was the way it was going to be from now on, I was going to be left for the other lass after all it's what's happened before. I tried to send him messages but I seemed to make things go from bad to worse. I eventually asked for him to remove my collar as I wasn't worth wearing it, I even tried to cut again but it was far to blunt to do anything. The pain inside was getting far to much and I wanted it to stop... Fuck sake please let it stop... Nothing Master said helped, just made me worse but eventually the other lass sent me a message.
As I txts back and forth with her I calmed down. I didn't see things straight but I just calmed. Master came to bed and just went to sleep and didn't touch me. I felt so so alone. I just couldn't handle things anymore. I stopped texting and switched the light off. Master reached out and I quickly clambered into his arms and we talked.
So a few days later when I get told by two different sets of people that I need to see psychology, you can guarantee I didn't have a great day.
It started well but rapidly went downhill, but the thing is it's been happening far to often and as Master pointed out ... It's been happening far to often.
Anyway my physio told me that I had to deal with issues from my past. There is loads of stuff that happened when I was a kid, some good but some that is well ... It would make most people's skin crawl. Apparently alot of people that have Fibromyalgia have issues regarding the past and basically your body is stuck in fight or flight mode, continually switched on. My muscles never get a chance to rest and this is one of the reasons I'm in so much pain. She asked if I'd ever been to see someone and spoke about it, but each time I went I closed up and just couldn't talk about it.
I made a decision to do a short version or some parts of my life, I decided to let Master know some of my demons that I fight daily.
I wrote it and sent it... In my head that was a huge huge step .. I'd manage to let him read some of my past. But... He did say it explains a few things about the way I behave .. but he also said it will help him in helping me when I need the extra support..
Fuck knows this last few weeks I've needed it
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